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Written by Ashlea
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Wednesday, 06 January 2010 |
I have thought long and hard over the past years whether I would ever disclose the event. I feared peopleï¿∏s opinions of me. I was worried it would change the way people interact with me and treat me. But now I have accepted my past and am comfortable in talking about it. If my experience can aid in supporting even one other woman, I will have achieved my goal. I am content with who I am today, and I know that this is a result of my life experiences.
When I received an award for my great efforts at a conference in Bloemfontein; I was impressed. A colleague and I decided to make an appearance at one of the local pubs to have a celebratory drink. In addition to working together, we had become close friends and enjoyed catching up on the latest developments in our lives. We even shared the room at the guest lodge. We were having a great evening sipping on a glass of red wine and were receiving a fair amount of attention from the local gents. I never asked for it; I never deserved it.
Things become blurry from that moment. I remember feeling tired and starting to fall asleep on the table. I remember my colleague driving my car back to the hotel. I remember a male sitting in the passenger seat and me sitting in the back. I remember the three of us entering the guest house and him pouring a tomato cocktail for each of us. I never asked for it; I never deserved it.
I remember waking up with a man on top of me. ï¿∏Who is the person?ï¿∏ repeatedly ran through my head as I panicked and wanted to push him off. But I was paralysed. I remember wanting to talk and shout and scream. But I was voiceless. I could not move. I could not squirm. I could not do anything about the fact that I had a stranger on top of me , sexually assaulting me. I never asked for it; I never deserved it.
I remember being startled by the sound of someone rummaging through the blankets and bags around the room. I could tell he was searching for something. I still had no idea who he was. His hand was bleeding, which he attributed to the electric fence which burnt him on his first departure that night. He had returned to the guest house to our room when he realised he had left his wallet behind. I very kindly suggested that he leave me his number so that I could contact him should we find it. I saved it in my phone under a question mark as I still had no idea who he was.
After he left, I shook my colleague, who was sleeping in the bed next to me, in a panic asking her what had happened and who was That Man. She woke up wearing only her underwear, and was just as confused and startled as I. I was wearing my pajama shirt, but my pants were missing.
Rape is a dirty word. I despise it. It has a raw, frightening connotation. It was always something which happened to other people. In other places. In other worlds. Never to good, kind people like us in our protected environments.
My colleague and I decided that it would be our secret. Nobody would ever find out about it. And we would have to erase the experience from our memory. I later learned that a colleague in the room adjacent to ours at the guest house had heard me crying and sobbing throughout the night, but did not want to ï¿∏get involvedï¿∏. I often wonder how he sleeps at night.
I remember scrubbing myself in a hot shower. I washed myself about 10 times that morning. I was in a great deal of pain, my head was still very foggy and the events of that morning are still unclear. I managed to drive myself from Bloemfontein to East London, alone. I believe I must have had my Guardian Angel watching over me that day because I never remembered much of that 600 odd kilometre trip.
That was over 3 years ago, and I still have panic attacks. I still wonder whether I'll be able to have a normal sexual relationship. Has anybody fully recovered and been able to lead a normal life??
Hi Ashlea - yes you can recover from it. I have. Many others have too. I encourage you to read through this site. I have posted all the tools I used to help me in my journey. Today I am a happy wife and mother who is truly come through this experience a survivor not because of what happened to me, but despite it. In love and light R »
1 Comment
1"Miss" Hi i was very touched by your story, unfortunately in our society to today people choose to keep quiet. I was annally raped at 21 i had turned 21 a week before that and was assaulted by someone i thought to be a friend and one of his work colleagues. it's something i'll never forget but i chose not to be ashamed of it. it happened on a friday night and the monday i walked down the street and could feel everyone looking at me funny. i knew it was in my head but couldn't help it. i chose to speak to the first person i met that i knew and i felt the release. Why did i need to assume what everyone was thinking rather tell them and let them tell you what they really think.
Rape victims can become survivors by talking about what happened and acknowledging that it wasn't their fault.
I am not almost 26 and am a proud rape survivor.
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