   Umm Well I don't really Know what I'm supposed to write..But I want my story to be known. I want to be a psychologist so I can learn alot more about the human mind. So My name is Samantha I'm 15 almost 16 and have been sexually abused by 3 different guys. It first happened when I was probably about 7. He was a family friend about maybe 11 at the time. I thought what he continued to do to me until I was almost 12 was just a game..It wasn't. In fact I had completely blocked all memories of it for a few years. Well I became very depressed, starting drinking A LOT.I was drinking before, during, and after school and every chance I got even if I just woke up at night..I then quickly got hooked on pills. At First is was mostly Vicodin and other pills. It got to the point where I was taking handfuls of random pills. I am honestly amazed I am still alive after all this alone. Although many times I passed out on my bedroom floor for hours I survived. It does still affect me now though.
I have really bad tremors from the mixing of the alcohol and different pills.
Not long after I started drinking I began cutting. It quickly escalated from a thumb tack to a scalpel. I have scars all over my entire body. I would cut anywhere and everywhere. There were times when literally it looks like my entire body was just cuts. All this was happened when I was barely 13. I opened up to my older brother and told him everything.. only to find out he was doing the same things I was.. I knew he was smoking weed and I tried it. I love it and still do. but it put me in a few bad positions. Which lead to the time I was raped. I was feeling depressed and lonely and when a friend asked me to come over I snuck out of the house and got a ride over there. I would have had to walk home alone so i called a guy who I thought was a friend and we were drinking and smoking and he convinced me to go back to his house. I think he used the date rape drug on me. I remember him handing me an open coke. I wasn't really drunk because I have a really high alcohol tolerance.
And then I remember waking up around 4:30am with my clothes half off, my vagina hurting really badly, what seemed to maybe me semen was on me and I had blood on my panties. I was a virgin at this time. I was so scared and confused and got home as fast as I could. I figured it wasn't rape because I didn't remember it..
Several months later I had pretty much forgotten it and had a boyfriend who I thought I was in love with. I decided I wanted to lose my virginity to him. It didn't hurt very bad and I didn't really bleed but I didn't think much of it. My depression was still very bad and I attempted suicide again. I had been in mental hospitals about 4 times before for suicide attempts, cutting, and pill overdose. This time they decided to take a more serious action and I was sent to a residential treatment facility where I was for 6 months. There I was put in many different therapy groups including a drug group since my drug use continued to a few harder drugs. I was put on different medications which did help alot. but honestly, being there made me feel crazy! I had never been a violent person but there I was getting in fights and broke a girls nose. I felt like i was never going to get out and was just feeling horrible. So I was running off, kissed guys who we werent even allowed to look a
t! Fought with the teachers, did what ever I wanted. I was really out of control and when they tried to punish me I just didnt follow it or even care. After like 3 months of this I realized I definitely wont get out acting like that! So I changed I went back the old me and got out a little after. But while there was the first time in my life I realized that everything that had happened was wrong and I was molested and I was raped. Yet I still had never really cried over it or actually realized it. until just a few months ago. I have been out of the treatment center for 13 months now and I was going to hang out with a friend who I had known since my Freshman year(I now am a Junior) and we went to his house and he tried to get me really high thinking I didn't have control of myself when Im high, well I do. He started kissing me and I kissed him back for a few seconds and then I started saying no I don't want to do anything. and told him if the only reason he wanted me to come
over was for sex, that it wasn't going to happen. He started forcing himself on me and I was trying to fight him and telling him no but he is stronger then I am. He was taking off my clothes as I was trying to put them back on and then started touching me with his hands and he was telling me lets have sex and I told him I didn't want to! and he continued to take his pants off. Luckily his phone rang which he got up to answer and I got up and got dressed and left as fast as possible... I went to a park where I just sat and cried. I called my best friend mark and him and another good friend came and they got me out of there and just listened to me and held me while I cried. I never talked to him again. until a few days ago I saw him at the mall and just took off and starting crying and everything came back.
Well I know this is long enough but what made me decide to post something here today was that today I found out the girl next door who is like 15 was cut and raped earlier today... My parents told me. I acted like most people would since they don't exactly know what happened to me.. I immediately went to my room and started crying. I was crying so hard and just felt so guilty. I know I shouldnt feel guilty since I had nothing to do with it but maybe if I had spoken up and told the police about what happened to me maybe they could have caught them and that would be three less guys out there potentially doing this to other girls.. and maybe he could even be the same guy..This girl is so innocent and has done nothing to deserve this, no one who is raped deserves it! This girl was badly enough hurt that there were cops outside her house and ambulances and she had to go to the hospital for her injuries and for a rape test. I just wish there was something I could have done.. or even do now to help prevent other girls from having to go through that.. I guess basically I'm just writing this to get out how I'm feeling and to hopefully help someone else too.
I would love to talk to people about their experiences or just be someone to vent to. So if anyone wants to you can email me at
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Thanks for reading my story and I hope everyone stays strong and gets through whatever they are going through.
=)
-Sam
Dear Sam This is a journey - one of pain yes - but also healing and finding love and joy again. I hope that you will continue on it. Just by sharing your story you have begun. We might never be able to stop this from happening to someone else - but each day brings us a step closer as more people are made aware that it's wrong. I pray that you will find light and healing through this tough experience. In love & light R »
1 Comment
1"SAM" Hey Sam
Its really good that you are looking forward to the future, in wanting to be a psychologist. I in uni studying psychology its great. I am 22 years old and live in the UK. From reading your post i guess you're in the USA? So there were a number of things I'd love to talk to you about. You will get through this, in time.
You say you self harm, I used to and i had terrible scars, I suggest you get a product called Bio Oil (that's its name in the UK it may differ where you are) My scars are so much better now barely noticeable. Do you still self harm? If you do, next time you feel like doing it, distract your self, find some other outlet. I used to find scribbling on a plain piece of paper helped, i took my anger out, by pressing really hard. I also kept a journal writing frantically about all the feelings i felt.
I really would urge to give up cannabis, on my psychology degree we have studied the effects of cannabis on the brain and emotional health. It will make you more depressed, and can effect your emotional health in so many ways, you can become paranoid. The behavior you have explained is very typical of self destruct! I used to drink so much, I'd very often drink my self to a point where i couldn't even stand up, this put in me in so many vulnerable situations which lead to me being raped by a second man. But now I've not drank anything for over a year. Its very important for you to address your self destructive behavior , you not only put your self at risk of physical damage (like liver failure) but also emotional damage, being self destructive is hard on your emotional health. It can be so damaging, i figured my self destructive behavior was due to a lack of self love, i hated myself so much, so i drank vast amounts tried to take my life on a number of occasions. I have slowly learned to love myself. And now i treat myself so much better.
To be a psychologist and help others we need to be mentally sound our selves. Maybe use your wish to be a psychologist as a motivation to put all this shit behind you
The fact that your next door neighbor was also raped, is not your fault. You cannot control the actions of a rapist. Don't feel guilty because it is not your fault.
stay positive and look to the future, you are still so young, i wish you the power to shape your future they way you want it to be. When i was your age i didn't care whether i lived or died. But now i am so happy. I am with a man i love and trust, i am on my way to be a psychologist and a writer. I first published something on here i think around 5 years ago.
all the best Sam thinking of you, stay strong....
Kim xxxx
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