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| Trying to move on |
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| Wednesday, 21 March 2007 | |
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It's been over 6 years since it happened and I feel like I should be it over by now. I stupidly got drunk and trusted this guy that I just met
He told that if we just went somewhere private that he wouldn't try to have sex with me as I had told him that I didn't want to. We were kissing and when he tried to take it a little further I let him. But when he forced himself inside me I tried hard to fight him off. I begged him to stop and eventually he did. He asked me what was wrong like he believed he hadn't done anything wrong at all. I said that I had told him to stop and tried to push him off me but he said that he thought I wanted it. Sometimes I'm angry with him but other times I feel like he was the victim. That it was my fault and that I made him into a rapist. That it wasn't his fault that it was mine. That if I didn't want to sleep with him it wasn't enough to tell him no That I shouldn't have gone into that tent with him. Mostly I'm okay I've even learned to talk about it without thinking about it As if I'm talking about someone or something else. But when I really think about it I'm not ok. I just don't know if it's something I'm supposed to get over or if it's ok to still be upset so long after. From R - Unfortunately you don't ever reach a stage where you will never get upset about it again. But you can get to the stage where you learn to deal with it and put those thoughts that upset you aside. For me personally, it's been over 10 years since I was raped - and there are always triggers - the anniversary of when it happened - being anywhere close to where it happened - reading stories like yours - but I've learnt to control how it makes me feel by focusing on other things - or ultimately the goal of helping others who have not reached that stage yet. It's not easy - but you can do it. You will recognize the thoughts starting to come to your head - and there are a number of things you can do. In the Rape Survivor Challenge on this site I've posted prayers that help me. 2 of the most powerful are one liners - If God be for me who can be against me , and I can do all things through God who strengthens me. These help me to feel calm and control my emotions before they fly off on a tangent and upset me all over again. I wish you luck in your journey - but know that you can learn to get through this even though you might never get over it. »
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