Rape Survivor Journey

Hi there it is so comforting to hear other women talk about their rapes and not feel so alone. I was followed and attacked in my home by a serial rapist ten years ago but even though it was so long ago I think about it every day and feel like I live in my own world that  I cant explain to friends. I have found over the years nobody I know ever mentions the rape word around me as they seem embarrased. Anyway if anyone feels like chatting to me please do.

It was so horrible and sometimes when I think about it I feel sick and wish i could cut those memories out of my mind completely.

In the morning my best friend and her boyfriend came to fetch me. There was a day rave going on and back then i used to take drugs with her. We started with ecstasy and took a few of those. I cant remember much, but she was just handing them to me like smarties. But the wierd thing is that i was much more out of it then usual. Then they said that i must go back to thier place so we can relax from the day and sleep...

I am 21 years old and I have been molested and raped. I sometimes close my eyes and see the people that have done this to me and I feel like a little girl again. I have not gone for counselling yet. I am a recovering drug addict and I seem to be coping well with my recovery. I feel I need therapy for the state my mind is in. I know  have to be strong for my daughter, but at the moment I don't even know who I am. I have a great boyfriend, but I feel myself losing interest in him. I do love him and he is the only man that actually cares about me, but I think I am pushing him away slowly.

If anyone out there has any advice for me and maybe understands what I am going through... Please, I am open for any form of guidence and wisdom.

This site has opened my eyes and showed me that I am not alone... Thank you.

Thank you for sharing your story. This happens to alot of survivors where you push the person you love away. Alot of times it's a sort of "punishment" you inflict on yourself. A "I don't deserve him" or "I don't deserve happiness" mentality sets in. You are not to blame. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to love and be loved.  Have you genuinely sat down and thought about why you are drifting from someone you say you love ? Is it him ? Is it you ? Is it from being though such a trauma ? Only you can answer this. You should also talk to a counsellor that will help you work through the thoughts you have and the reason for them. Good luck. xo R